"Buti nga ngayon na nawala. Kesa naman tumagal pa ng ilang buwan e di lalo kang nahirapan."

"Ikaw kasi, dapat nagpapahinga ka lang. Wag ka nang magtrabaho."

"Dapat kasi lahat ng kinakain at ginagawa mo all natural lang, itigil mo na yung maintenance mo ng thyroid. Look at me! Im doing fine! Eh bakit, may thyroid disease ka ba? nagbuntis ka ba? daldal ka ng daldal sa hindi mo nalalaman, leche.)

"Ok lang iyan. It happens to millions of women all over the world." (yeah, i know that. i bet they're also all asking "why me?bakit ako nakasama sa millions of women na iyon?")

"Better luck next time." (im speechless)

Will somebody please tell me how in the name of God are these "words of wisdom" from "well-wishers" supposed to make me feel better?

Is it so abnormal for me to feel absolutely horrible about the loss of a child?

Does anybody have any idea at all how it feels like to one day wake up fine, go for a check up and find out that the baby she has been carrying around is dead? Be scheduled for a D&C on the one day this year that a lot of expectant moms are having their babies induced or held for birth on the supposedly lucky day of 7-7-07?

Does anybody have any idea how it feels like to sit in a wheelchair in the pre-labor and labor rooms with fetal monitors amplifying the heartbeats of the babies in the wombs of mothers in the other beds knowing that even if a hundred monitors were attached to your tummy, not one of them will pick up a single heartbeat?

Does anyone at all have any idea what it feels like to see all the newborn babies being carried in from the delivery room when you know that when its your turn, there wont be any baby’s cries or sounds of nurses saying "aww, how cute!"

Does anyone at all have any idea what it feels like to one day be holding your burgeoning baby bump protectively, then the next, the bump is gone? And you just feel empty and in pain because of cramps brought by the medicine that’s making sure you expel everything out.

When everybody just looks at you either with pity or irritation at "Why cant you just get over it? Its not the end of the world?"

It’s just barely three days since I left the hospital. Will somebody please tell me how the hell am I supposed to feel? While I laugh and try to kid around. C’mon who wants to see me cry di ba? . BUT WHO EVER GETS OVER SOMETHING LIKE THAT? ESPECIALLY SINCE ILANG ARAW PA LANG NAMAN. Of course I accepted it. Ano pa ba magagawa ko? But that doesn’t mean that last Friday wasn’t one of the most horrible and traumatic days of my life. Di bale sana kung blood lang e baka mas madali. But it was a baby already. with a head, arms, legs, and just a few weeks ago, a strong heartbeat.

After all, I have carried it for nearly 3 months (just a few days short), have been looking around at baby furniture, looking up possible names, planning home renovations to accomodate our new addition, reveling at the sight of baby clothes in the department store, and have looked forward to the day I would get to hold my baby in my arms and just take in its sweet smell…. The suddenly be told that there is no more heartbeat in that little being that I could see had the form of a baby but wasn’t moving anymore on the ultrasound monitor.

For heaven’s sake. ano ako bato?!

Do you know how it feels like to have to cope with this and yet realize that the next (hopefully) pregnancy I have will probably see me as a mass of nerves terrified that I may lose it again?  Na I'll probably be so scared of everything na baka may makain ako, o masyado akong gumalaw o magtrabaho...mahirap ba intindihin yon?

Its been very difficult and painful. Im trying to take up every distraction I can, even going to the bookstore picking out a Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul...right next to Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mom. It sucked big time.

For now siguro, hindi sobrang abnormal that i feel sad. Hindi rin siguro abnormal that I'm absolutely scared and paranoid na baka maulit the next time i may get pregnant. it's not an experience i'd wish on anybody, not even on an enemy of mine.

It happened, yes.

But Im pretty sure one day soon everything will get relatively close to normal. wala naman nang magawa e. ive weathered a lot of storms in my life, accepted a lot of painful things, made extremely painful and forced decisions and eventually um-okay naman (relatively). So I know kakayanin to given a little time.

But for now, allow me to grieve.