I have a confession to make. I have not set foot in Church for Sunday mass in over 3 years.  Prior to that, I avoided going for 4 years. I have no problems going to Church in weekdays even attending mass whenever I can but Sundays...no. 

And this is really funny considering I used to be a server in Church as a lector/commentator for about two years when I was so committed and felt so "whole" in church service that I didn't mind serving in two masses on a Sunday in addition to serving at weddings and weekday and Saturday masses. Heck, I was even the secretary of the guild when it comes to that

My dad is bewildered and concerned about my relationship with the Church. Half the time he says "erehe" na daw ako . But you see some things happened during my last days in church service that makes me so cynical and yes, angry not with the Church but the people who serve in it.

My problem is not with the Church. It's with the people who are in it or rather, who serve in it.

It got so much that I couldn't go into Sunday mass without feeling the blood instantly rushing to my head in such anger and intense hatred at the sight of sanctimonious church servers.

C'mon even I don't feel it's right to attend mass with such negative feelings. That's why I'd rather stay away.

Don't get me wrong. I believe that there are people who wholeheartedly, sincerely and faithfully are in service of the Lord. And to these people, I am sure the Lord knows the sincerity of your heart and service. May you be blessed.

Unfortunately, in my experience for every two of these sincere people, there are four who treat church service as nothing but an opportunity to create a "network" of people to share the vilest of gossip with and come as a handy "black book" of people they can hit up for loans should the necessity arise. There was a time that when somebody started their conversation with me with "sister" I could feel my hackles start rising. But I digress.

That is really just the tip of the iceberg. There are other deeper and more painful reasons for my cynicism. As for the hatred, believe me I have tried to forgive and to get over some things but there are just some things in life that you cannot force. Like forgiveness.

 I am, again most unfortunately, not one of those people who are capable of paying lip service.

If I do not completely and sincerely forgive, hell, I won't say anything to that effect just to make people feel better. I do not want to enter the house of God with that anger that rises uncontrollably at the sight of church servers especially the mother butlers.

Why them? their selection is purely personal. But honestly, I would believe the sincerity of the church janitors more than the forever bustling and pious Mother Butlers...no offense, I just speak from my personal experience.

Of course I am aware how unreasonable that sounds but there are things that just happen involuntarily. it's like a stimulus. I for one am not the type who likes to push things.

I go to Church alone to talk to God and not mechanically recite prayers, responses and sing psalms. In my most troubled days I head on out to the chapel in UP where it is peaceful and easier to meditate.

 In my private conversations with God, I can say exactly what I feel and want to say without having to be affected by outside factors or having to read "prompts" that are scheduled by the Church calendar of readings.

Yes. I know exactly how that sounds. But that really is just me.

My family? I let Nona go with my folks or with her dad to Church though. When she grows up, she will have the freedom of choice to believe what she wants to. I am not one to impose my personal choices on others.

I do pray. I believe in God. I believe in His love and grace. I believe He is always there for his children whether they are in His house or living out their daily lives. I believe that He is there whether we remember Him or not. 

I just don't believe in people very much.

My dad says I shouldn't let this affect my relationship with God and ask for guidance.

I don't agree that the relationship is affected...I just prefer to keep my worship, relationship and conversations with God a personal, private and undisturbed matter. As for the guidance...I've prayed for it, but one can pray so much yet still remain human with all their failings and weaknesses.

Perhaps one day all of these human failings that affect me shall pass. But until then...I get by.