Today we heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time on Doppler. It was a pretty good thinig really seeing as by usual standards, 9 4/7 weeks can be a bit early for listening to the baby's heartbeat vis Doppler. Goes to show how good my current doc and bud Jen really is 

We weren't really supposed to go for a check up until Feb 25. Problem was I've been throwing up a lot and generally showing a few symptoms that are not at all good these past days. Since my first check up in early January, I've already lost 7lbs. I've also been having some cramping so I've been advised to do as little as possible and just rest up at least until we get past 20 weeks. I'm also doing a round of duphaston to help the baby along. Physically, the loss of fluids and my inability to keep anything down if I do eat (which is often very little) can be seen on the toll its taking on my skin, lips and hair. Ah well, hopefully all these will subside in the 2nd trimester.

I have to confess that while I was on the Ob table, I was already half-resigned that we wouldn't hear anything. Not because it was still early but more of the possibility that there was nothing to hear.

It was only in July last year after all that I also lay down excitedly on my Ob's table as she glided that doppler over my tummy. We heard everything from my gastric things to the reverb my own heartbeat made by no mamy's heartbeat. It was only when I spotted the next day that we found there was seriously something wrong.

In some ways, I feel guilty that my built-in need for self-preservation is affecting how I feel about my current pregnancy. It's like maybe if I'm not too excited about it, then maybe should anything go wrong, it would be easier to deal with it.

Is it the wrong attitude to take? yes, probably. A lot of people would tell me to just embrace the moment and enjoy it. The things is last year, I did. I even had names picked out and baby furniture on Target marked down as "possibles." So when things didn't work out, well, it broke my heart.

Unfortunately, the world doesn't stop turning even when you're shattered. Life goes on and the sooner you are able to move on the better especially when a lot of people are depending on you. Besides, it wasn't even two days after I came from the D/C then that I already started getting flak for feeling low. Crazy no?

I'm pretty sure Jen was surprised I didn't show any of the normal reactions moms do on first hearing their baby's heartbeat. Sure, there's a feeling of relief that we could actually hear something that proves the baby's doing okay. There's also that fear of next time, will it still be okay?

The difficulty of my pregnancy ain't helping much in the confidence department either. I already know I'm high-risk and have the cocktail of medicines and supplements I take everyday to prove it. Guess I'm just really scared right now. That's why the internal defenses are kicking in.

Perhaps things are also made tougher coz I really can't pile all of this on hubby either as his mom's been in the hospital for 3 days now. There are a few things that doctors are still testing to determine their causes. It's a worrying time but until it's confirmed, we really don't want to think about it.

The problem too is that over the years she has lived a pretty bad lifestyle often starving herself. There have been a few times when I confess I half-wanted to shake her already as she was making herself so sick for lack of food. It's not that there wasn't food to be had. She just didn't want to eat. Most of the time, it was on a whim. Like she'd absolutely refuse to eat proper meals but would finish up green mangoes and pineapples if it suited her.

 At first it was obvious that it was just her way of getting attention. She'd refuse to eat until the hubby would alternately bully and sit by swet talking  her into eating. It became habit I guess that her body adjusted to the small quantity of food she did take. Hell, she even had to be bullied into taking her medicines and that's kind of hard to do when Derrick and I live away from her. Shes got two of her sisters living with her but both are just plumb useless.

Believe me, I know for a fact that she can and will eat when she has no choice. On those times she tried to get around eating when she was with me I sat down and didn't leave until she finished what she had on her plate. After that, she never tried to appeal to me just so she can quit eating. The only people she can try this tactic on are her relatives and Derrick. I often tell Derrick to be strong and not let himself be affected by his mom's tactics coz he'll only be encouraging her and not at all helping her get healthy. Do I get anywhere? of course not. Ergo, whatever condition she has now has been exacerbated by malnutrition.

Do I feel like a bully? hell yeah. When you see her she's this tiny, sweet and frail old lady. But believe me she can be as stubborn as a damn mule when she wants to be and that unfortunately, is pretty often. She just does the "stubborn" so sweetly that you can't help but feel bad when you have to bully her into doing something for her own good.

There's no question of her niceness and we do get along well. I can honestly say that I care for her that's why it makes me so angry that she is allowed to do this to herself simply because the people around her are powerless against her will.

The thing is much as I am okay to looking after her, at this moment it just isn't possible as I too am tied to rest. Heck, I can't even cook anything as I can't even stand the smell of oil. How am I going to feed her? I can't even visit her in the hospital either coz she's been diagnosed to have a viral infection as well and that can hardly be good for the baby. Besides, I can't even last 10 minutes in the car without throwing up right now.

Truth be told, I've already been cheating on the "bed rest" thing as it is possible for one to go bonkers lying in bed doing nothing...this I have proven on my 2nd day of bed rest. I just can't sit or stand for longer tha 15-20 minutes coz whenever I do, the cramping starts and that really ain't good.

If I weren't pregnant I'd have asked her to stay with us the moment she started feeling ill. Sure, I am not pretending it wouldnt drive me crazy because it most certainly would have. But hey, I have no problems taking care of her...she'll probably find it hard to get around me and have her way but hey, who knows? maybe the challenge might have done her some good.

 It's just this timing at this moment when I really can't do anything to help that sucks.

I've already offered to Derrick that I could go home to my folks for the meantime so that he may be able to concentrate on his mom and some of his relatives' issues first. yeah, for some reason, these relatives (nasty bloodsuckers some of them can be ) just HAVE to jump into the soup with their own issues... I seriously feel like telling 'em all to take a flying leap off a freaking cliff!

Like c'mon what do they expect the man to do? cut himself in quarters and still expect him to work so he can pay off the hospital bills (they're running at 80K at the moment), home bills at the same time attend to his sick mom, squabbling relatives and pregnant wife?

Jeezus. People can be so unbelievable!

Good thing I'm confined at home as given the chance, I would probably have yelled at them already and tell them what they can do with their goddamn concerns...like maybe shoving them up each other's a**es

Obviously, my diplomacy is still on vacation. But really, would any of you feel differently in my place? I don't know how else I can help him since my staying at home is just another thing for him to take care of. Me, I'll be fine. At my folks' place there's always somebody there who can keep me company so I'll be looked after and he won't have to worry about me while he attends to his mom, work and relatives.

Besides, as the eldest daughter, my parents drilled the lesson "If you are the one capable of understanding, they you have to do the understanding for those who can't." Obviously at this point, somebody has to do the "understanding" if nobody else will.