Ultrasound taken Thursday last week (fetal age 10 weeks 5 days)...can't wait til we reach the 12 week mark this Sunday!

Today we heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time on Doppler. It was a pretty good thinig really seeing as by usual standards, 9 4/7 weeks can be a bit early for listening to the baby's heartbeat vis Doppler. Goes to show how good my current doc and bud Jen really is 

We weren't really supposed to go for a check up until Feb 25. Problem was I've been throwing up a lot and generally showing a few symptoms that are not at all good these past days. Since my first check up in early January, I've already lost 7lbs. I've also been having some cramping so I've been advised to do as little as possible and just rest up at least until we get past 20 weeks. I'm also doing a round of duphaston to help the baby along. Physically, the loss of fluids and my inability to keep anything down if I do eat (which is often very little) can be seen on the toll its taking on my skin, lips and hair. Ah well, hopefully all these will subside in the 2nd trimester.

I have to confess that while I was on the Ob table, I was already half-resigned that we wouldn't hear anything. Not because it was still early but more of the possibility that there was nothing to hear.

It was only in July last year after all that I also lay down excitedly on my Ob's table as she glided that doppler over my tummy. We heard everything from my gastric things to the reverb my own heartbeat made by no mamy's heartbeat. It was only when I spotted the next day that we found there was seriously something wrong.

In some ways, I feel guilty that my built-in need for self-preservation is affecting how I feel about my current pregnancy. It's like maybe if I'm not too excited about it, then maybe should anything go wrong, it would be easier to deal with it.

Is it the wrong attitude to take? yes, probably. A lot of people would tell me to just embrace the moment and enjoy it. The things is last year, I did. I even had names picked out and baby furniture on Target marked down as "possibles." So when things didn't work out, well, it broke my heart.

Unfortunately, the world doesn't stop turning even when you're shattered. Life goes on and the sooner you are able to move on the better especially when a lot of people are depending on you. Besides, it wasn't even two days after I came from the D/C then that I already started getting flak for feeling low. Crazy no?

I'm pretty sure Jen was surprised I didn't show any of the normal reactions moms do on first hearing their baby's heartbeat. Sure, there's a feeling of relief that we could actually hear something that proves the baby's doing okay. There's also that fear of next time, will it still be okay?

The difficulty of my pregnancy ain't helping much in the confidence department either. I already know I'm high-risk and have the cocktail of medicines and supplements I take everyday to prove it. Guess I'm just really scared right now. That's why the internal defenses are kicking in.

Perhaps things are also made tougher coz I really can't pile all of this on hubby either as his mom's been in the hospital for 3 days now. There are a few things that doctors are still testing to determine their causes. It's a worrying time but until it's confirmed, we really don't want to think about it.

The problem too is that over the years she has lived a pretty bad lifestyle often starving herself. There have been a few times when I confess I half-wanted to shake her already as she was making herself so sick for lack of food. It's not that there wasn't food to be had. She just didn't want to eat. Most of the time, it was on a whim. Like she'd absolutely refuse to eat proper meals but would finish up green mangoes and pineapples if it suited her.

 At first it was obvious that it was just her way of getting attention. She'd refuse to eat until the hubby would alternately bully and sit by swet talking  her into eating. It became habit I guess that her body adjusted to the small quantity of food she did take. Hell, she even had to be bullied into taking her medicines and that's kind of hard to do when Derrick and I live away from her. Shes got two of her sisters living with her but both are just plumb useless.

Believe me, I know for a fact that she can and will eat when she has no choice. On those times she tried to get around eating when she was with me I sat down and didn't leave until she finished what she had on her plate. After that, she never tried to appeal to me just so she can quit eating. The only people she can try this tactic on are her relatives and Derrick. I often tell Derrick to be strong and not let himself be affected by his mom's tactics coz he'll only be encouraging her and not at all helping her get healthy. Do I get anywhere? of course not. Ergo, whatever condition she has now has been exacerbated by malnutrition.

Do I feel like a bully? hell yeah. When you see her she's this tiny, sweet and frail old lady. But believe me she can be as stubborn as a damn mule when she wants to be and that unfortunately, is pretty often. She just does the "stubborn" so sweetly that you can't help but feel bad when you have to bully her into doing something for her own good.

There's no question of her niceness and we do get along well. I can honestly say that I care for her that's why it makes me so angry that she is allowed to do this to herself simply because the people around her are powerless against her will.

The thing is much as I am okay to looking after her, at this moment it just isn't possible as I too am tied to rest. Heck, I can't even cook anything as I can't even stand the smell of oil. How am I going to feed her? I can't even visit her in the hospital either coz she's been diagnosed to have a viral infection as well and that can hardly be good for the baby. Besides, I can't even last 10 minutes in the car without throwing up right now.

Truth be told, I've already been cheating on the "bed rest" thing as it is possible for one to go bonkers lying in bed doing nothing...this I have proven on my 2nd day of bed rest. I just can't sit or stand for longer tha 15-20 minutes coz whenever I do, the cramping starts and that really ain't good.

If I weren't pregnant I'd have asked her to stay with us the moment she started feeling ill. Sure, I am not pretending it wouldnt drive me crazy because it most certainly would have. But hey, I have no problems taking care of her...she'll probably find it hard to get around me and have her way but hey, who knows? maybe the challenge might have done her some good.

 It's just this timing at this moment when I really can't do anything to help that sucks.

I've already offered to Derrick that I could go home to my folks for the meantime so that he may be able to concentrate on his mom and some of his relatives' issues first. yeah, for some reason, these relatives (nasty bloodsuckers some of them can be ) just HAVE to jump into the soup with their own issues... I seriously feel like telling 'em all to take a flying leap off a freaking cliff!

Like c'mon what do they expect the man to do? cut himself in quarters and still expect him to work so he can pay off the hospital bills (they're running at 80K at the moment), home bills at the same time attend to his sick mom, squabbling relatives and pregnant wife?

Jeezus. People can be so unbelievable!

Good thing I'm confined at home as given the chance, I would probably have yelled at them already and tell them what they can do with their goddamn concerns...like maybe shoving them up each other's a**es

Obviously, my diplomacy is still on vacation. But really, would any of you feel differently in my place? I don't know how else I can help him since my staying at home is just another thing for him to take care of. Me, I'll be fine. At my folks' place there's always somebody there who can keep me company so I'll be looked after and he won't have to worry about me while he attends to his mom, work and relatives.

Besides, as the eldest daughter, my parents drilled the lesson "If you are the one capable of understanding, they you have to do the understanding for those who can't." Obviously at this point, somebody has to do the "understanding" if nobody else will.

The other day I was rummaging around in my closet looking for the lightest, loosest clothes I could find to comfortably fit my slowly growing belly. So there I was, on my knees just yanking stuff out and throwing 'e, over my shoulder until the husband asked "what's this?"

He was holding my corset. Oh, not one of those really tight lace up ones. This one had three rows of eyehooks (I think that's what they're called) running down the back and this stiff things all around it that's supposed to keep bulges down.

So, I told him what it was and what it was for. Normally, it should have stopped there. Unfortunately, the husband was in one of his "macho" moods and started yapping how some women should start wearing those corsets all the time.

Okay, there may be something in that statement sure. But I'm not really at my most tolerant right now so I railed at him asking if he even had any clue as to how uncomfortable those things are and why women should be the only ones wearing them while men let their saggy, bloated guts hang all over the place (hubby admittedly is one of these, his tummy is ready to pop!)

Y'know what he said? Well, if women have so much to complain about, why buy these things in the first place? He was sure that if men really had to wear those, there won't be any complaints.

Really. There and then I made a bet with him that HE couldn't last 2 hours in the thing. He said he could. The price of our bet? a fried crab and steamed fresh shrimp dinner.

Okay then. I totally wrestled him into the corset (you try fitting a large female sized corset round a gut of 38in!). Took me about 15 minutes (and 1 pulled muscle and 2 scratches on my fingers) to get all those hooks done up. 

The condition was he had to wear it without any complaints for a minimum of 30 minutes.

I loved the crab and shrimp I had that night.

yup. there's one which will hopefully be on the way (this time.) I'd pretty much known since Christmas but hoped I could keep it under wraps at least until we could clear the 3-month mark...unfortunately, my tummy has a mind of its own and pratically grew overnight. Now, I'm nearly 2 months and right at the height of the ever worsening sickness and all those things that come with pregnancy.

How difficult have things been? Oy. Let me tell you.

1. I feel so slow and stupid. it's like my capability for processing things went on hiatus. I feel so tired all the time that the simplest things like taking a shower just bushes me out. Unfortunately, tired as I may be, I have so much difficulty getting to sleep. And when I do get to sleep, the slightest sounds just wake me up!

2. I can't eat a damn thing. Would you believe I actually lost 3 pounds in two weeks? I just have no appetite, I could go for a whole day without eating with hunger just coming in briefly (like for 10 minutes) by night time. Even my favorite foods taste different, heck, they taste awful now! 

3. Sure, the boobs are nice and big but boy do they hurt!

4. Hubby and I came in just a few minutes ago (its 2:59 am now) after fruitlessly searching for guyabano and special mami.  Take note, i do not want any mami from Chowking or places like that. I want real estero type mami whose broth has been boiled for the longest time. (You have to admit they have a unique taste of their own...must be the vendor's hands putting the noodles in or something). I told hubby dear to look for a place where there were taxis and jeepneys parked in front. C'mon you can't have a better testament for good food in the middle of the night than hungry PUV drivers right?

Failing parked taxis, I told hubby to look for a place where most of its patrons had open-to- their-bulging- waists polo shirts, white sandos and a good morning towel slung on their shoulders who sat with both butt cheeks owning their chairs...drivers and cops off duty  

I MUST have guyabano tomorrow. Just thinking of the damn thing makes me salivate so!

5. I can't stand the smell of frying oil, frying garlic, heck, anything fried. It just makes me gag.

6. This is going to sound so weird but just the sight of fried or roasted chicken makes me throw up. The other night Nona and I ordered some food from McDo. The minute she opened her 1-pc chicken meal, i just had to throw up. If that isn't weird enough, bright signages sporting a red-orange color (like the Shanghai cafe in Timog) makes me hurl., Geez, how weird is that?! It's a freaking signage!

That's not all, when we had Mc Do takeouts, i actually felt hungry so I ordered a double cheeseburger, large fries, a hot fudge sundae and apple pie...the only things I was able to eat were the fries and the sundae. The cheeseburger tasted so weird like it was uncooked or old meat (hubby found nothing wrong with it) and the apple pie's smell just sent me rushing to the toilet

7. This week I graduated from just gagging and nausea to actually throwing up. Unfortunately since I haven't been able to eat much (if any) I end up spewing bile (sorry if too much info). The only thing that's keeping me going is how my girl Jen (who's now my OB) says it's a good indication of rising HCG levels. My problem is that such things are compounded by hyperacidity(like there's a burning hole in my tummy) and cramping due to gall stones getting stuck in a duct somewhere. Last year I had to go into the ER twice in one week coz of severe "God-kill-me-now" pain due to these dang stones.

8. My skin is sooo bad. It's hormones I tell ya.

9. Oh yeah, due to rising hormone levels, my temper and tolerance levels are also extremely bad...a fact my now often beaten up husband can attest to.It's a wonder he hasn't yet filed for spousal battery Does pregnancy develop a mild case of Tourette's syndrome? I swear all diplomacy and verbal self-censorship has flown with the wind.

I know how most people say that when your bundle of joy comes all these hardships will be worth it...sure I bet I'll feel that WHEN (and if) the little bundle comes but it's kinda hard to remember that while everything makes you feel sick in more ways than one and you feel like you're no longer throwing up just bile but probably most of your stomach acids.

I am so afraid. Remember we lost the baby last year at 11 weeks? Things seemed fine until just one drop of brown blood followed by an ultrasound that revealed a baby with no heartbeat. I am so hoping that that won't be the case this time.

I suppose it's actually a good thing that I have no time to think about this too much as I am so busy throwing up (whoever called it "morning sickness" is crazy. it should be the "24/7 sickness") and feeling all sorts of sick and horrible these days. What I am experiencing now is way more difficult and complicated than what I had in the 11 weeks prior to my miscarriage last year.

So far, we seem to be doing okay though. My ultrasound yesterday revealed a good growth/development from the Utz two weeks ago. The baby now has a heartbeat of 157bpm (I've been told that's pretty strong), gestational diabetes has at last been discounted (the OGTT was torture I tell you! I was on fasting for 12 freaking hours and had nothing other than glucose (100mg) dissolved in a glass of warm water!!! It was AWFUL) and my thyroid condition seems to have improved greatly.

Crazy, nauseous and anxious times...I've been told if I'm lucky the sickness will subside by the second trimester.

However, by experience over the years, I have this sneaking feeling that I was born under an unlucky start and will probably be numbered among those few women who suffer nausea throughout their entire pregnancy. With Nona I was throwing up well into my 7th month! Also, my pregnancy with nona was during one of the hottest summers as brought about by El Nino.

Hell, I always had two tubes of ice in bath water then just to cope with the heat...for this year, NBC nightly news says that this year's summer will be numbered among the hottest summers due to the current climate issues...just my luck *sigh*

Did I ever mention how fantastic a cook my dad is?

Well he is. Both our noche buena and media noche feasts were prepared by him. Up to now I am hoarding in my fridge a bottle of the oh-so-delicious mushroom gravy he made for the turkey.

Anyway, among the dishes he prepared for noche buena was this salted fish spaghetti. I've been craving this dish for the past week nos so I decided to try my hand at whipping it up with a few changes of my own.

It's really easy to do, quick to prepare and a bit different from your usual pasta dishes. Anyways, here's the recipe:

Salted fish spaghetti:

Ingredients:

pack of spaghetti (our preferred brand is San Remo. you can never go wrong with this)

canned pimentos (chop em up)

onions, chopped (a whole 1 will be great)

garlic, macerated (the more the merrier. I used up 1 and a half heads)

olive oil (for sauteing)

basil (either fresh or dried is okay)

1-2 bottles of spicy dulong in oil (i used bottled gourmet daing...you can also extend with spanish sardines)

parmesan cheese

patis and black pepper (for seasoning)

Boil noodles first and set aside when ready. Saute garlic til brown., Add onions and fry til transparent. Put in the dulong together with its oil and just saute for a couple of minutes. Add the pimentos and stir for a bit. You can opt to put in some basil to make sure it mixes well with the stuff being sauteed. Mix in the cooked noodles and and keep on mixing til the sauteed stuff are mixed evenly with the noodles. 

You can put in a little fish sauce (patis), a dash of black pepper and some more basil and season to taste. Once you're happy with it, remove from heat and set out in dish. Top with parmesan.

Other optional toppings are olives, capers and some chopped up parsley.  Additionally, you can also mix in some chopped celery during the sauteing stage to give your dish a little twist.

The idea is to just let the saltiness of the fish and the different flavors of basil, garlic and onions as well as the oil in which the bottled fish were immersed be absorbed by the spaghetti. 

Hope you enjoy this dish as much as we did

The start of 2008 to me, has the same effect as being run over by a bus.

Big decisions to make and a lot of uncertainties that quite frankly are freaking me out.

First decision. I decided to lay down my racket with writers.ph. I have observed a few issues in how they deal with their writers especially when it comes to payouts.

True, the money I was able to make writing for them is higher than the average employee's monthly salary however, I do not really enjoy what has become a semi-monthly exercise in alternating between niceties and threats in getting them to hand over my salary.

Of course I was very well aware that there were some issues with them that can easily be googled over the internet but with very few homebased opportunities available, well, one really can't pick and choose.

After getting my last salary (and no, I never told them I intended to quit. Mahirap na.) I made up my mind to try office work for a change...after it has been quite sometime since I've worked in an office setting.

So after having talk with Nona convincing her that now was a good time for mommy to start working outside the house again especially since she's started going to school for the whole day, I sent out my resume to a few companies whose requirements and work hours would mesh well with my responsibilities and schedule as mom and homemaker.

I even got a couple of interview invitations a few days after sending my CV out. Good, right?

Well, not exactly. Just a few days after the interview invites, I had to withdraw my application due to some medical issues. Basically, I've been told to take things easy and as much as possible, just rest. I'm not even supposed to sit up at the ocmputer for very long so as you may have noticed, I've been a very remiss blogger.

Hay, it doesn't really stop there yet but I don't really want to talk about "the biggies" at this time. All these change of plans and uncertainties are messing up my mojo big time.

Feel free to snag away

This one is easy. All you have to do is spell your name using the letters and their corresponding meanings. Mine here;

A: Gorgeous   (i dunno...i hope so!)

N: Sexy (a decade ago pa siguro)

G: Never let people tell you what to do (depends if what they want me to do makes sense)

E eeply in love with his/her partner (i'm married aren't i)

L:Best smile (i'd like to think so)

A: Gorgeous (repeat first comment)

-------------

Name Meaning Here:

A: Gorgeous
B: Loves people
C: Really easy to fall in love with
D: Is great in bed
E: deeply in love with his/her gf/bf
F: People wild and crazy adore you
G: Never let people tell you what to do
H:Freakin’ beautiful eyes
I: Loves to laugh
J: Makes people laugh
K: Really silly
L: BEST SMILE
M: Makes dating fun
N: Sexy
O: Has one of the best personalities ever
P: Popular with all types of people
Q: A hypocrite
R: Good bf/gf
S: Lives life for fun
T: Great kisser
U: Gets blamed for everything
V: Not judgmental
W: Very broad minded
X: Never let people tell you what to do
Y: Loved by everyone
Z: Lives life for fun

Blog hopping reveals a lot of stories being shared of New Year's Eve celebrations. Allow me to share mine:

For this New Year's Eve, we went over to my family's house for media noche. Usually, the whole of Dec 31 sees the entire street closed and people congregated in front of our gates playing games that my family hosts. This will be capped by a joint dinner at 9 pm before tables are set up for drinks and firecracker/fireworks viewing. It has always been like that for the past 12 years and truly, New Year's celebrations at our place is one of the more livelier parties in the entire subdivision.

But that's not what my story is about. My story is about the ways people create noise to welcome the New Year and supposedly drive away the bad spirits.

At the stroke of midnight, people usually fire up the most spectacular displays of fireworks and the most scandalous and air polluting firecrackers money can buy. Kids may be seen holding up Roman candles or lusis or even blowing tooters and horns.

At least that's what most regular people do.

My mom can be quirky this way. She absolutely presses long and hard on the car horns of all the vehicles parked in the garage. This past New Year, she was doing that while happily blowing on two very loud horns at the same time.

Now I'm not really a grinch and all and you might be thinking how spoilsport ko naman e nagce-celebrate lang. Oh sure, this year it was okay and even funny if you think of it...

...but about 10 years ago, it sure as hell wasnt. (Now this is my story)

Why?

Because my room is the one directly in front of the garage. The front of both cars parked in it are literally just a foot or two away from my bedroom window with my bed directly beneath that window.

Ten years ago, I was in that room so thankful at having got two babies (Nona who was just four months at that time and someone else's...I forget whose. It was my cousin's I think.) to go to sleep on my bed despite all the noise and smoke outside after an hour of alternately rocking and singing them to sleep. (C'mon man, its not like babies are expected to stay up and eat media noche while inhaling the fumes from all the fireworks and all)

Ten years ago, at the stroke of midnight, my very exuberant and excited mother alternately leaned on her and my dad's cars' bad ass horns (theyre both BIG vehicles) that were parked in the garage for about 2 minutes at a time...and hell it went for a really looooong time.

Ten years ago, the two infants I had painstakingly put to bed burst out screaming their faces a most alarming shade of purple along with the blaring car horns.

I swear that was one of the rare moments when I felt I could have cheerfully wrung my mom's neck.

See how memorable that was (obviously still is)?

Made me decide there and then that should there be babies in the future, we are so staying at home for New Year's Eve. Dalaw na lang kami kinabukasan

Lousy. That's how I've been absolutely feeling these past few days.

Can barely drag my fat ass off the bed and have quite frankly let things go as far as household things are concerned.

I've got asthma and really bad colds on top of nausea and that "swimmy" feeling whenever I get up from bed (you know how you stand up and everything just looks like they're swimming?)

Sleeping has been quite a chore with one nostril getting clogged up at a time. For some nights now I've got to consciously turn to my right side to unclog (albeit temporarily) my left nostril and again on the left side for the other nostril.

I've got a lot of things on my plate right now and honest to God I just can't deal with the stress at the moment. Good thing Derrick volunteered to take care of some of the more annoying things that has, quite frankly, been aggravating me for the longest time.

Too bad he couldn't take my colds and asthma away as well

Good thing I was able to get some season dvds of "House," "Family Guy" and "CSI Vegas" to keep me a bit entertained. I also dug out some books from my collection to read while I stay in bed.

Been trying to keep really, really quiet even unplugging the phone coz I seriously am not in the mood to pick up nowadays. Just the other day while I was trying to sleep off the beginnings of a migraine Derrick forgot I wanted complete quiet and called up my cel...

He said I fairly snarled what he says is the most insincere and most unfriendly "hello" he has ever heard...he may be exaggerating of course

Besides, swerte na siya nun. One caller had the misfortune of hearing me sneeze multiple biggies in the middle of my "hello." Hey, it was one of those sneaky sneezes where you just go blow like Moby Dick without even being aware it (or in my case, they) were coming. 

It's a quirk in my family. Once started, my brother Pao can sneeze more than a dozen biggies in a row you'd think he'd have to pick his nose off the floor across the room. Carlo is only in second place with about 7-8 sneezes.

While I envy the total heaven he experiences after or rather, when he finishes sneezing, I have earned my share of admirers with my burps. My record as of the moment is 16 burps in 3 minutes.

Now our youngest, Miggy is the real gifted one. He actually farts at will...seriously! And boy do those suckers pack quite a punch

Quite effective fumigator actually.

I do know that Miggy loves me very much as he always gives me a 3-second warning to evacuate the area before he lets one rip. Believe me, that warning is always welcome as I honestly believe one of his farts can pass as a nuclear or biological weapon...for real.

Besides, why do something once when you can do it many time right?

Call us shallow and all that but this grossness can cause hours of laughter for us.

I remember when Miggy and Nona were younger and I used to work in GMA and productions. No matter how much I try to regale and impress them with stories of work, places I've been, and people I've met...nothing beats the "pogi points" I score with each lame ass toilet joke I tell and uber-loud belch I let rip.

What is it with kids and bodily functions?

I am hoping to be able to share some news fairly soon. Much as there are some facts I am already in possession of, I don't want to jump the gun as of yet